Trigger Warning: Rape, Sexual Violence, Victim Blaming
Imagine you have just received a phone call from a friend, and through tears they tell you that their house was broken into overnight. What are you feeling in that moment? Shock, fear and concern?
What questions are running through your mind? You are probably wondering, is everyone okay, was anyone harmed and are they safe?
And most importantly – how would you respond to them?
Would you ask them: ‘Well, did you lock your front door?’, ‘Did you have your valuables on display in the window?’ or ‘Are you sure you were burgled, and you didn’t just invite someone into your house?’
You were probably shaking your head as you were reading those words, adamantly thinking to yourself ‘Of course not!’ or ‘I would never say that!’. You might even be thinking that none of that even matters the only thing that matters is finding the person responsible.
It would seem incomprehensible to react this way, unimaginable to say such things to someone who has had their privacy invaded and has been the victim of a crime.
Why is it then, that survivors of sexual assault are treated this way? Why is it that we as a society have an instant need to displace the blame from the perpetrator onto the victim?
This is a phenomenon that is devastatingly common amongst victims of violence against women, domestic abuse and sexual violence.
This displacement starts, not in a courtroom or between the uncomfortable walls of a Police Station. It starts in our schools, in the way that we teach our children about consent and relationships. Comments such as ‘ Why is she wearing that – she should cover up’ really translate to ‘She is asking for it’ or ‘She is to blame’. They reinforce that the makeup, the clothes, or the body inhabiting them is somehow responsible. The perpetuation of these stereotypes and myths about sexual violence, serve only to further entrench sexual violence into our society.
In 2024, the courage and strength of Gisèle Pelicot brought this very issue to the attention of the worldwide media, providing a voice for survivors of sexual violence. Having been subjected to repeated sexual assaults facilitated by her then husband, Gisèle made the decision to waive her right to anonymity and requested for her trial to be open to the public. In doing so, she shone a light on the burden of shame that so many survivors feel, saying:
“When you’re raped there is shame, and it’s not for us to have shame – it’s for them.“
“It’s true that I hear lots of women, and men, who say you’re very brave. I say it’s not bravery, it’s will and determination to change society.”[1]
In the UK, it is estimated that 5 in 6 women who are raped do not report what has happened to them[2], often this is due to internalised feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame. But where do these feelings come from? They are a reflection of societal attitudes towards women and towards sexual violence. These feelings are a manifestation of all those small comments, news reports and social media posts which are reinforcing the message that ‘if this has happened to you, it must be your fault’.
By publicly telling her story, Gisèle Pelicot exposed the harsh realities of sexual violence and challenged the shackles of blame and shame that are placed on survivors by society. By unlocking these shackles, and uniting the world in solidarity with survivors, she has also shown that there is hope for change.
A world without sexual violence, and without violence against women, is possible.
It will not be possible, however, until victims and survivors are believed. It will not be possible until we place the blame and the shame firmly where it should be – on those who perpetrate sexual violence.
We must always believe those who are brave enough to step into the light and tell their story.
You wouldn’t ask a victim of burglary ‘are you sure this happened to you?’ – so why are we treating victims of sexual violence in this way? We can and must do better.
#StopTheShame
Written by Coleen Jones, Membership and Services Manager.
[1] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/oct/23/gisele-pelicot-on-her-husband-and-alleged-rapists-he-was-someone-i-trusted-entirely
[2] https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/statistics-sexual-violence/
If you have experienced sexual violence, or are concerned about someone you know, the Live Fear Free Helpline is there for you. It is a 24/7 confidential service that is available to listen, advise and signpost.
Call: 0808 80 10 800
Text: 0786006 77333
Email: info@livefearfreehelpline.wales
Webchat: https://www.gov.wales/live-fear-free/contact-live-fear-free